It is the last day of Pride month. The other day I listened to the Jackie Perry and KevOnStage interview and I was encouraged to release my testimony. Some have heard I struggled with homosexuality and bisexuality most of my life. After years of molestation and sexual trauma in my childhood, the urge for the opposite sex grew. I have many memories as a child of having sexual experiences with neighborhood guys. As a teenager, I had my first brief relationship with a guy and there was a time when I would even pay guys for sexual relationships (so that there would not be any ties).
I would do much of this in secret because I had a strong conviction that it was wrong. I grew up around church and knew clearly what the Bible said about it. These sexual relationships with guys grew over the years, as I continued to meet with guys secretly at night. I was always in relationships with women but the urge for the same sex sometimes felt unbearable. It felt like I would never escape my cycle of lust, pornography, and promiscuity.
One day, at the age of 18, I encountered Jesus. I had a near death experience when I overdosed on K2 in my apartment. I heard the audible voice of God calling me to preach the gospel. I gave my life to him and fell completely in love with Jesus. I had a radical deliverance experience as the desires completely left for the next 5 or 6 years. I was walking in the presence and great freedom.
That is until I opened a door and gave the enemy a foothold. One day, as an active believer and a minister, I watched a movie with far too many sex scenes in it. I felt such a strong conviction of God but I bypassed it anyway. Slowly, all those desires came back. I started to feel the urge to “innocently” flirt with both men and women while I was out around town. I then fell into pornography and the desire for men flooded me quicker than I could image.
So there I was: in ministry, struggling with lust and bisexual desires, and addicted to pornography. This lasted for many months. I cried out to God daily for His help. I tried fasting and praying but to no avail. I started having thoughts enter my mind like, “maybe I could just be a gay preacher…God loves you and understands.” However, my conviction of the written Word was too strong; as was my great love for the Lord- I couldn’t give myself fully to it. I loved Him far too much and deep within my soul I knew I had to make a choice.
One day I asked God, “How did this happen? How did I get here?” He quietly and simply said to me, “You’ve lost the fear of the Lord”. So I began to study the fear of the Lord and the revelation of His holiness. I sought out deliverance. I studied books on deliverance and inner healing. I went to every service I could find. I listened to sermons and podcasts of people who came out of the lifestyle. I learned how to walk out freedom, while still having temptations at times. I went through a year or so of restoration as I learned how to die to my flesh.
I have now been free for many years and I have a deep love for seeing others experience this same freedom. During that season of bondage, God told me that I had to choice to make. It was either Him or homosexuality. Did I love pleasing my own sexual desires more than I loved pleasing God? I decided that I would rather live the rest of my life struggling with sexuality and have Him, than to have a lifetime of flesh gratification and not have God.
I pray that this hard, transparent moment helps someone. I have had to learn to pick up my cross daily and to choose God over the desires of my own flesh. He is my identity and my everything. I hope this brings reassurance to someone struggling that there is hope. I hope this brings healing to someone that is broken. I lovingly pray that this brings a godly sorrow to those who think they can be both pleasing to God and still gay. We must stick with the Bible, the ONLY source of truth. Saying “God loves me” does not mean we can do what we want.
God loves everyone. He also loves everyone who is in hell this very moment. God is a loving God, but he is also holy and just. We will be judged by the Word, and we can not change God’s word. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So although the the culture has changed, God has not. Our love for God and our fear of Him must be stronger than our greatest desire for sex. I say this all in love – not in condemnation. His grace is sufficient for you!
That’s my testimony of what Jesus did, by the power of His spirit, in this ex-bisexual’s life.